Saturday, April 20, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Hey folks, long time no blog, sorry about that, got busy with other things but I figured I'd dust off the blog and take part in the League's theme this week... well actually I was going to but then my work partner Lord Bad Guy decided he wanted to write this post so ummmm... here's Lord Bad Guy...
The assignment put forth to this so called League of Extraordinary Bloggers was to details what it was that they hated about Pop Culture growing up. Well. I'm an expert on hate, I hate alot of things... but you know what I hate the most about the "Pop Culture"... the damn good guys. Always the good guys in pop culture are showered with cheers and praise but what about the villains hunh? If it wasn't for us GI JOE would be working as crossing guards or off fighting the Taliban, He-Man would be a steroid case with a fancy sword, the Thundercats would be stray kitties squatting on a planet that isn't theirs. Yeah, see, you 're getting the picture now aren't you, the gears are turning in those heads out there, I can smell the smoke of your petty brains starting to grasp the bigger picture.
You see the cartoons of your pop culture presented a very warped view of what exactly went on during the 80's. To you, He-Man always beat Skeletor, the Joes always triumphed over the cowardly, bumbling Cobra Commander, the C.O.P.S. always stopped the CROOKS. I hope you enjoyed that sanitized account of the events because that's not what happened. Sure, I'll grant you some of my fellow card carrying member of the Lodge of Evil were less then successful... I don't want to mention names or anything... okay, you twisted my arm... Gargamel, that bumbling dumbass wanna be wizard and Mon - Starr, intergalactic crime lord. Gargamel spent years wandering around the same damn forest and couldn't find the bunch of giant mushroom houses with the little blue monsters living in them? Oh and by the way, Smurfs taste friggin' awful, never saw what he thought was so great about eating them, like some awful cross between sardines and spam. Mon - Starr had an entire gang of super powered villain henchmen and he couldn't kill a bunch of idiotic sky diving cyborgs with bird fetishes? The guy had a robotic Minotaur that could grow in size! A shape changing henchmen! A master weaponeer and he still couldn't off these clown... gimme mt death ray and I'll get rid of all of them. Of course they were fighting over a section of space that had a giant flashlight as it's sun so not much of a prize there to be had anyway.
But I digress, you see the villains, most of them anyway, were actually much more successful then the shows let on, Hell, we had a lot of fun with that Weather Dominator. You haven't lived until you've skied on three feet of fresh snow in Hawaii or sunbathed poolside in the 102 degree heat of Siberia. The cartoons made it seem like Cobra had the Dominator for a few days before Joe stopped them and destroyed it. Let me clue you in, CC had that thing for years, Joe never stopped them, thing got fired up every vacation until it's power cell ran out and no one could figure out how to make another so it got junked. Skeletor was and still is a master sorcerer, do you understand the kind of intellect it takes to achieve that? The cartoon would have you believe that He-Man was always outwitting Skeletor and his troops and that Skeletor was a cackling idiot that sat on a throne made of of pointy bones petting a big purple cat. In reality He-Man was lucky he could dress himself, that overly muscled meat head. He wore those furry underpants because he couldn't master pants. Skeletor had a sweet leather easy chair and some matching couches, one was a pull out bed. I know because I crashed on it one New Years Eve. Oh and let me assure you Shredder and Krang served up a mean turtle soup at least twice that I know of...four turtles HA!, more like a bulk bin of 'em mutated by that rat every time one got froggered or skewered.
Even the lesser villains like Big Boss were no slouches, c'mon he was named Big Boss, you don't get them from getting busted by a bunch of gimmicky lawmen every time you pull a job. No, you earn it by pulling off major heists and holding a major metropolitan city in your metal plated grip of terror! Dr. Claw was never bested by a nine year old girl and her talking dog...there was never an Inspector Gadget to even try and stop him. The people at DIC created that Inspector Gadget character because they were afraid no one would watch the Dr. Claw and Madcat show let alone get any merchandising money. Personally I think a Dr Claw armored fist toy inside a happy meal is much better then a go go gadget ass scratcher or whatever the Hell they sold.
Okay okay I'm rambling... the bottom line is I HATE the good guy and I HATE the way the cartoons represented us villains. So the next time you sit down to watch your favorite bunch of do-gooders smack their villainous opponents around remember...
He-Man is a dolt
The JOEs couldn't hit the broadside of a barn
The C.O.P.S. arrest records was pretty light
Inspector Gadget isn't real
Smurfs are ugly little blue freaks that look like those thing in Del Toro's remake of "Afraid of the Dark"
The Silver Hawks were glorified sky divers
The Thundercats are ill behaved strays
The Turtles live in Poo Water
I could go on but instead I'm going to call up all my villainous buddies and go grab a few drinks, maybe plot a team up to take over the world or something... youjust ponder what I've told you here and uh... watch your backs...."
Now Go check out Bubba Shelby, he knows the score on the Real American Zeroes
And if you're super cool you'll come check me out as I conquer the world....again...slowly....painfully slowly